4 Unhelpful Beliefs about Managing Anger

Some people learned that managing anger means preventing bad things from happening, but these beliefs do not work:

1. “It’s all good”
Many people are deeply superficial. They are allergic to going beneath the surface. To them, things are what they seem to be. Yet, life is not nearly that simple. Surface problems often arise out of mistaken ideas and perceptions from the past or conflicts that have not been identified and resolved, such as fear of rejection. These landmines sit and wait to explode. So when something in the present reminds them of some unfinished business from the past, they have an exaggerated reaction, which is out of proportion with the reality of the situation. The thought of digging below the surface is very scary. It’s so much safer to avoid dealing with it. Some may think that the issue is their anger at their boss for being such a jerk. But what if the issue is that your boss reminds you of your inconsiderate ex-wife and the anger at her was never dealt with?

2. “It’s nothing to worry about it.”
Some advisors specialize in a particular area of expertise, such as medicine, finances, plumbing, electrical, carpentry, and so on. They are a hammer and every problem is a nail. They are not prepared to consider that the problem lies outside their area of expertise. When faced with a problem they cannot solve, they dismiss it and hope it goes away.

3. “Stop thinking about it. There is nothing you can do about it.”
Here the helper is telling you what to do, but not how to do it. Long standing problems are not resolved by stuffing them down internally. This doesn’t help because you haven’t addressed it. What is avoided gains significance and gives these feelings more power over you then they deserve. This is what people tell you when they feel unable to offer a solution. The past is not dead, your emotional pain is alive and impacts you in the present.

4. “You have no right to be upset.” Anger is not a matter of “right” like the Bill of Rights. That is absurd. Anger is an emotional response to something threatening, whether real if imagined. The anger may or may not make logical sense, but your right to feel angry is not an issue. Everyone has anger. This is another example of using facts to solve feelings. Facts are logical, rational and concrete. Emotions are impulsive, abstract and illogical. Emotional problems need to be solved emotionally.

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