Blame and Explain: Useless Advice

The following are some examples of the advice you may have received, but it doesn’t help:

1) “You have only yourself to blame.”

Here you have been told to teach others to assume more responsibility for a problem that has already happened. However, this remark focuses on who is to blame and fosters feelings of inadequacy, incompetence and inferiority. This remark accuses you of causing your own problems and by criticizing you failure to succeed, you feel less competent to achieve. You get angrier then you were before, you lash out and conflict ensues.

2) “It’s their fault.”

This comment implies is that the issue is with finding fault. This speaks directly to how men approach problem solving. Find out who is doing it and force them to stop. Problem solved. However, this issue isn’t about finding fault and stopping it from occurring. The issue is human imperfection. Humans make mistakes and worry about causing painful outcomes. The blame and accusations are smoke and mirrors to avoid the reality that no one is perfect. People cannot be made less imperfect by blaming others.

3) “It was not good enough.”

This is a way of saying, “I am judging you. I cannot accept you until you achieve the degree of perfection that I determine sufficient.” So you are set up to fail. How can you assume responsibility to fulfill the impossible expectation of being perfect? If men are trying to prove their superiority, it implies they are currently inferior. By trying to please others and prove yourself, you only maintain and perpetuate your emotional pain.

4) “You don’t want to change, you like being in pain.”

Helpers say this when they feel inadequate to fix the problem. This tactic is called blame the victim. The truth is that no one likes to be in pain. People use their painful suffering to achieve something that they feel they cannot achieve in a healthier way. They may enjoy the payoffs of their manipulative antagonism, but they do not enjoy their suffering. It is always important to make distinction between a means to an end and end in itself.

5) “What is the use of getting angry? It doesn’t do any good.”

This is like asking, “What is the use of getting chicken pox?” It is the wrong question and you cannot begin to get the right answers until you start asking the right questions. We get angry whether it does any good or not. A better question is, “How can you manage your anger properly so you can get the relief you need and not cause yourself any more pain?”

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